Sunday, October 26, 2008

Why am I still watching House?

Here is every single episode in the history of House (apologies if I gave away the ending of an episode that you have yet to see).

9:00 An interesting scene unrelated to a hospital drama. Someone looks like they could be sick, so it is probably the other person in the scene. Either way, one of them will be "Patient Of The Week" (hereby known as POTW).

9:03 The opening credits, decent song by Massive Attack but it is the exact same credits since day 1 of this show. Have the producers not been watching the show? These credits prominently feature Jesse Spencer and Jennifer Morrison who play Dr. Robert Chase and Dr. Allison Cameron and those characters are in the show about as much as John Travolta was in Welcome Back Kotter after the second season. No love for the new actors Olivia Wilde, Peter Jacobson and Kal Penn?

9:05 First round table meeting of the doctors. Can you believe this hospital has this department of 5 doctors spending a week to help diagnose one patient? I believe the Princeton-Plainston Teaching Hospital may be the sole reason for the decline in the US economy.

9:08 Round table meeting ends with three possible theories. None will end up being the actual diagnosis as there are still 42 minutes left in the show. Dr. Eric Foreman (played by Omar Epps) will raise his right eyebrow for the first of three times in the episode.

9:12 Lead actor Hugh Laurie (who plays Dr. Gregory House) will have his first scene with the Head of Encology, Dr. James Wilson (played by Robert Sean Leanord). This scene hints to the real focus of the show, it isn't to diagonosis patients who have weird diseases that would only really occur on tv. It is non-sexual love story between Wilson and House. The sooner the show admits this, the sooner we can move on.

9:20 The first theory of what the patiant is sick with falls through. In their investigation of said theory, it causes another sympton which disproves their original diagnoses and sets the team off on two new theories. Foreman raises his right eyebrow for the second time in the episode.

9:21 House has a conversation with one of the doctors on his team to remind you that he is "the most complex character on televsion". He pretends to be a little sensitive or interesting and then by the end of the episode will still prove that he is a dick. Makes you wonder if there is actually a Human Resources department at this hospital that these other doctors can complain to. Must be the same inept HR departments that you see at Dunder Mifflin in the show The Office and CTU on the show 24.

9:32 Some wacky, crazy procedure is attempted on the POTW in order to save them. Dr. House's boss Dr. Lisa Cuddy (played by Lisa Edelstein) is not happy about the procedure so she has a yelling fit with Dr. House in her office. He deflects by mentioning something sexual or embarrasing about her.

9:41 A conversation occurs that will hint to the ending of that episode. Someone could say something offhand talking about playing golf in the mountains of Arizona and only using their irons or that a certain character only wears the colour blue...but this conversation will set in motion the correct theory of what disease the POTW has.

9:47 Things are looking bleak for the POTW. They are probably going to die or at least have a terminal disease. And as an audience member, you see the time, they are cutting things close...CSI Miami starts in 13 minutes.

9:51 House remembers that offhand topic earlier...he has figured out what is wrong with the patient. That person just has something rather benign that they are sick with...they are not going to die. Foreman raises his right eyebrow for a third time, possibly with a little head shake added.

9:56 Patient is dismissed. And Dr. House has one more scene to make you like him enough to watch next week. Perhaps he will be home alone playing guitar, or have something nice to say to one of the doctors on his team, or to either one of his pseudo life partners Dr. Wilson or Dr. Cuddy.

There! I have saved you an hour of your life every week. Simply make your cheques payable to Your Faithful Narrator.

Top 5 acting performances on US televison by British Actors.
1. Idris Elba as Russell "Stringer" Bell (The Wire)
2. Damian Lewis as Charlie Crews (Life)
3. Hugh Laurie as Gregory House (House)
4. Marianne Jean-Baptiste as Vivian Johnson (Without A Trace)
5. Dominic West as Jimmy McNulty (The Wire)



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Might be better if this wasn't littered with typos/spelling errors.

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, I was wondering: "Why am [you] still watching House?" if that's how you feel. But then I saw you buried the lead. You put Laurie down as doing an awesome acting job on the show. So guess that's why. But, sorry, you may feel Damian Lewis is doing an even better job, but he has less charisma than Hugh has in one of his beautiful, long fingers. I've tried watching "Life" (more than once). It's just too boring.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so right, House has lost its appeal.

11:37 AM  

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